The Chronicles of Vienna's Hair: Volume IX

So apparently there was some much needed clarification after my last update on the state of my daughters hair. 

Because after I lamented about how her hair gets all emo-looking unless I pull it up, I got quite a bit of feedback to the effect of "Uhhh, Elise? If her hair is too long why don't you just cut it? I mean..what are you, retarded or something??"

(That last part might have only been in my head. )

Well gee, if only I was like, I don't know, professionally trained in this kind of thing... then maybe I'd have some sort of clue as to what to do with my 1-year-old's INSANELY DIFFICULT hair....

...

......

...

...Oh wait! That's right, I AM!

Sooooooo... just to clarify what I should have to begin with.

This, people, is what we call the 'in between stage'.

It's awkward and annoying.

Most women, at least the ones who have had more than one hair style/cut/length in their life, can attest to how frustrating this stage can be.

In this instance, once Vienna's hair gets a little longer, it will be easier to manage.

Which brings me to the point of this post...

...I am happy to report that THAT time is drawing near.

It is now just barely long enough to put in an adorable little ponytail.

And um...how absolutely adorable is it?!

 Mind you, the amount of sweat from the heat and all the slimy bits of her breakfast that ended up in there probably had a huge helping hand, in the same way that, say, gel or hairspray would in creating this look.

So it still needs to grow a bit before it'll all stay securely tied in there.

(I hope that random phone call to china that she's making here wasn't too expensive. Huh...)

She clearly felt compelled to flash her toothiest grin, in observance of this exciting development.

And in this june heat, who wouldn't?

My New Obsessions

While I was in Colorado, I had TWO different life-changing food experiences that I want to share with you.

The first one was at my friend Brittany's house, during which we sat on the couch and gabbed about babies, nursing, and how long a human can go without sleep before our organs start shutting down. Good times.

Then she gets up, leaves the room, and comes back holding a ziploc bag, telling me that the contents of this bag is so amazing that she is even hesitant to share the last few with me, but that she would anyway because of the strong bond that forges the basis our friendship.

This, I completely understand.

What she then hands me, are these:

Source

Energy Balls!

This is one of those Pinterest gems that my dear friend stumbled onto and then changed my life forever with.

You can also call them 'Energy Bites' if you, or the people you're sharing them with, aren't into chomping down on something with the word 'BALLS' in the title.

These amazing, no-bake snacks are just a few simple ingredients thrown into a bowl and mixed- oats, peanut butter, chocolate chips, coconut flakes, honey and vanilla. Well, and then the recipe also calls for ground flaxseed, which you can do if you have it on hand or if you're a rigid-to-the-core recipe follower and insist on making a trip to whole foods after reading this (which is cool too). I just used some wheat bran, because I had a huge bag of it from a care package my mommy had sent me that was stuffed full of natural remedies for a case of violent constipation I had a while back. And it turned out delicious!

(The energy balls, not the violent constipation.)

But just between me and you, I don't think that it's an absolutely necessary ingredient, if you're in a pinch.

What is also awesome about this relatively healthy snack is that it's dairy-free.

So if you're like my friend Brittany, who is a passionate lover of cheese, but is held back from enjoying cows' sweet delights because of, say, an allergy that your nursing baby has...well then,you're in luck.

I also recommend making the balls small and freezing them.

Because that's the way Brittany made them, and Brittany knows best.

And also because then there is more of them to graze on throughout the day.

And because it's june, so everything should be as chilled as possible right now.

~~~

Source

Speaking of chilled, that brings me to the next scrumptious treat that I had at my friend Rebecca's house. Which was the cause of severe ADD for me that night, because as we were eating them I would randomly have to interrupt whatever deep, heartfelt conversation we were in to go "I just cannot get over how AMAZING these things are! I mean, what is in this thing, pixie dust or something?!".

Which isn't very cute after like ..twelve times.

But then she goes "They're just coconut milk, banana, and peanut butter."

...What?!

So quick fact about myself: I'm not at all into healthier options if they don't taste as good as what I could be having instead. For instance, if there is beef available, you will not find me ordering some pinto bean/broccoli slaw/quinoa burger. 

Unless there is a gun pointed at my head.

Ok? So I am ALL about living life to the fullest in the food department.

But, I must say, on the rare occasion that I find a healthier option that just so happens to be just as delish as the junky alternative..I do get excited.

And this, friends, is one of those rare occasions.

The recipe is for Fudgsicles, and obviously Rebecca left out the fudge part and went the peanut butter route instead, but I can confidently recommend both. 

Because I have already had both. 

And a lot of both.

Making these two snacks was one of the first things I accomplished within the 24 HOURS of being back home. 

And I'm almost out of both batches. 

And I haven't even entirely finished unpacking.

...Because I'm too busy snacking on balls, while healthy fudge drips down my face.

I recommend you stop whatever you're doing and join me in this.

Here are the recipes!

Energy Balls

Ingredients:
1 cup (dry) oats (I used half old-fashioned oats and half quick oats)
2/3 cup toasted coconut flakes
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup ground flaxseed or wheat germ (or wheat bran)
1/2 cup chocolate chips
1/3 cup honey
1 tsp. vanilla

Method:

Stir all ingredients together in a medium bowl until thoroughly mixed. Let chill in the refrigerator for half an hour. Once chilled, roll into balls of whatever size you would like. Store in an airtight container and keep refrigerated for up to 1 week.

Makes about 20-25 balls.

~~~

Creamy Chocolate Fudgsicles

Ingredients:

2 tbsp cocoa powder
1/2 cup canned full-fat coconut milk (see below link, for lower-cal ideas)
2 small, very-ripe bananas (200g)
scant 1/16 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
sweetener of choice, to taste (sugar, stevia, agave, etc.)
optional: feel free to add peanut butter!

Combine all items in a blender. Pour into popsicle molds and freeze.

Makes 5-6 pops

Trip to Colorado '12

Yesterday we got back from an absolutely insane road trip/wedding extravaganza in Colorado.

 It was KIND OF eventful, so here's just some of the important highlights that went down.

[Disclaimer: We were ridiculously awful at taking pictures during this trip. Which is just inexcusable. But thankfully, other people did. So half of these pictures are stolen. Please don't sue me.]

1.) We took Vienna on her first road trip.

Well technically we drove 3 hours to wisconsin when she was four moths old. She screamed and cried the entire time. And I joined in with her during the last half. It was fun.

So needless to say, we were highly optimistic about this 15 hour trek!

But, people... she did AMAZING! 

We loaded half of our earthly belongings into our fabulous mini-van on friday night after Luke got home from work. He took a nap, we ate dinner, and we were out the door by 7:30.

And she slept almost the whole time!

We arrived in the very dry city of Denver at around 9 in the morning. Which is incredible time to make, between a pregnant urine factory and a teething 1-year-old. 

God's grace, people. God's flippin' unending grace. 

2.) I FINALLY got to eat at Chick-fil-A.

I have been craving this beloved restaurant's signature meal for A YEAR AND A HALF. 

That, people, is a painfully long time to be craving something. 

So you know what?  It was our very first stop.

..As in, drive to colorado and straight to Chick-fil-A.

It's good to have priorities in life.

Vienna wasn't as interested in eating as she was in terrorizing the place, ripping apart the flippin' carnations, and finally being able to run around and not be stuck in her car seat.

And she got her first little plush cow. Aw.

Unfortunately we only were able to eat there 3 times during our trip. 

I was shooting for at least 5...but whatever. 

One of those character building opportunities, I guess.

I don't want to talk about it.

3.) We were there for Father's Day.

It can be difficult coming up with ways to celebrate the holidays, birthdays, etc. that happen when you're out of town, but this day actually worked out great. We hung out with our friends Paul and Brittany and their GORGEOUS baby boy, Elliot, all day and had such a good time.

Luke got to enjoy two of his all-time favorite things, and that aren't common to find in Minnesota:

1.) Good Beer

2.) A Bison Burger

We went to one of our favorite breweries in Denver, The Wynkoop.

And they were giving away commemorative Father's Day beer tumblers to all the dads!

And then we went to our old church, got to hear an amazing sermon from the pastor who married us, and worship to beautifully done hymns, that we have been aching for since having moved.

It was a huge blessing to me that we actually got to do something special for him, and that he loved it.


4.) My little brother and his wife had their first baby!

AWWWWW!

This little studs name is Wesley Airth Tuff. 

(Beat that in the cool name department.)

Born June 18th, weighing 8 pounds 11 ounces, 21 inches long.

And as gorgeous as can be!

He looks just like my brother. 

(It's the lips, not the whole bright red, Curious Case of Benjamin Button thing.)

I was so happy to hear that there were no complications and everyone has been doing great. 

The only crappy part about this whole thing is that they all live in Japan.

So I'm not able to bring them diapers and 57 freezer meals, and hold him while his parents get a flippin' nap. 

Sad.

But still so excited for them! Babies,Babies,Babies....

5.) Vienna took her first steps and is now walking!

Something about hanging out with a bunch of toddlers all week inspired Vienna to take the leap of faith  that was needed, and she decided to just go for it.
On monday night, she took 2 steps, then 4, all on her own.
And since then she's been spending her days and nights waddling around, plopping on her butt, laughing, and then repeating this process.

Its pretty adorable. 

And totally freaky for us to see our little baby like the toddler that she is now. INSANITY!

Here's a video of her scrambling around our hotel room at some point during the week:

6.) It was absurdly hot while we were there.

As in...up in the 100's. ...In degrees. ...Fahrenheit.

Which ok, yes, was slightly miserable, but at the same time- it was DRY heat. Not humid.
So as much as I appreciated the sympathy that I got from everyone about being a walking oven that was basically inside of an oven, I actually was quite enjoying the balancing act that the dryness was doing with my sweat glands.
Here in minnesota, it only has to reach about 80, for me to be absolutely drenched in sweat and nastiness, and unable to go anywhere. So I was pleasantly surprised at the positive affect that the scorching heat had on me and my hormones.

On the other hand, that same scorching heat currently has the state of Colorado burning to a crisp. Which is really sad.

In addition, my right arm is the only part of me that got a tan, probably due to sitting in the passenger seat of the car for so long. And Vienna is now a total blondie.


7.) We got to see a bunch of old friends.

The first half of our trip was absolutely packed to the brim with seeing some of our favorite people that we left behind when we moved almost two years ago. It was crazy, amazing, overwhelming, and totally fun. But, of course, between gabbing, hugging and all of the catching up, we totally sucked at taking pictures with them all.

We had just the greatest time at our friends, the Lockharts, who we stayed with while we were in Colorado Springs. Our daughters are like 3 or 4 weeks apart, and are pretty much BFF's.

I mean...Isn't it obvious?

They also have a son, Ethan, who is the coolest little dude EVER, and happens to be Vienna's future husband.

(Neither of them know yet.)

And just look at the way he pursues her! 

How could it not work out between them with a love like that?

We also were able to see our friends, the Wilsons, who have 4 fantastic boys. Vienna was in heaven at their house with all of the toys and balls of energy running circles around her.

Caleb, the 2nd youngest, couldn't pronounce 'Vienna' so he called her 'Banana' all night.

BEST. THING. EVER.

"No, Banana! Give it back!"

Shelly and I just sat there and laughed every time he yelled something at her.

You know, like good mothers do.

Then I got to meet my friend Kristin's new ADORABLE baby girl, Emma.

Um, is it just me being weird and creepy again, or do you also think that this baby looks more like me than my own child does?

Aww! I can never get over how sweet she is!

 And then there's my little monster. 

Stealing other kids' pacifiers, eating hand-fulls of butter, and creating overall mayhem and chaos in Panera Bread.

Where is this childs parents?!

Seeing Kristin and her gorgeous baby was one of the many times throughout the week that made me wish I lived there again.

..Partially because then we could meet up at one of our houses, before Vienna can figure out how to set Panera on fire.

I so wish we wouldv'e been able to get pics with Jeff, Lizzy, Bridget(and her cute boyfriend), the Ii fam, the Aguilars, the other Wilsons, the Kuennes, and Amy(and her two fab kids).
But we had such a good time with them all, and I just feel so lucky that it worked out to see as many people as we got to.



8.) We celebrated our 2nd Anniversary.

Well, ok no we didn't actually do anything to celebrate it while we were there because we were kind of busy, but it did happen!

Aw there's us at the altar.

Luke, holding back tears because of his undying love for me.

And me, choking back sobs because I knew that I'd never be able to fit into that dress again.

Oh, the memories.

2 years, 2 babies, one move, one house... it's been quite an adventure.

And we've still got the hots for each other.

Success!

9.) We ate Pizza for six different meals during the week. SIX.

I thought this was a significant fact to report. It's a good thing that were gross americans and pizza is our favorite food.

But the most alarming part about this is that were not even sick of it yet. Yikes.

I'm also a little concerned that I don't actually remember how to cook now.

..Huh.

10.) We got to stay at a Hotel.

The last 4 nights that we were there we stayed at Marriott's TownePlace Suites. 

I LOVE staying at hotels. Love it! 

Something about not having to clean or make dinner, and the 186 fluffy pillows they give you. 

I don't know, it just does it for me.

And it was really nice to have our own space for the last part of the trip. Vienna did end up crashing with us a couple of times though.

Um..how cute are they?!

(It's normal to take pictures of your family while they sleep, right?....Right?)

Oh but hey, funny story! When we first checked in on wednesday afternoon, we decided to make a pot of coffee, since Luke and I had both been averaging about 5 hours a night since we had been there, and thought that it might be rude if we fell asleep in the middle of having dinner with our friends that night.
So I picked up the coffee pot to find where the plug was, tipped it sideways (like a moron), only for the glass pot to fall out onto the tile floor in the kitchen area of our suite, shattering into a million pieces.
I'm. So. Awesome.
We hadn't even been there for 20 MINUTES, people! And I'm already breaking crap.
Thankfully they immediately replaced the pot, free of charge, and we were able to brew some terribly weak coffee-water before heading out.

11.) Nathaniel and Katelyn got married!

 Luke's brother married the coolest chick ever last sunday. It was the most simple and stunning wedding. The colors were gray and yellow, and I've never seen it pulled off so beautifully.

And the bride wore flippin COWBOY BOOTS!

I love her. And kind of want her to be my best friend.

Except that she's cool and outdoorsy and crafty and urban....and I live in a small town and breastfeed for a living. 

So I'm not sure how up for that she'd be.

But it won't stop me from trying. 

After all, I do have some time now that she's stuck in this family with me forever.

 I'm so glad that someone was on top of things,and took a picture of us.

Because, I mean, hello-were all matching! 

And my smokin' hot husband was looking pretty studly in those suspenders.

And our baby looked like a cute little omelet.

I do look a little tense though. 

Huh. 

Must have been my "Where's all the wine?" face. 

I might have looked like that a lot this week.

12.) I finally got to see my best friend.

One of the things I was most looking forward to about this trip (after Chick-fil-A, of course) was getting to spend time with Mallory, my dearest, closest friend. We actually met at my wedding, because her husband and my husband go waaaay back. Like 20 years back.

We met, were trapped in a couple awkward situations together, and immediately fell in love. 

And we've been talking non-stop ever since then.

But I so treasured the face-to-face time that we got a few times throughout the week, and seeing our kids together. 

I hope it ties us both over until she comes out for when I deliver Blob. 

Well, that about covers it. 

Our drive back went well, definitely didn't go by as fast, but we left immediately after the wedding, which gave us some great night driving time for Vienna to sleep through. 

It's so nice to finally be home, getting back into the swing of things, with Vienna running around and me trying to figure out how to use my kitchen utensils.

MasterChef Season 3

I hate reality TV shows.

Seriously.

People start talking about The Bachelorette, Real Housewives, The Hills, etc., and I just smile and nod, all the while feeling absolutely PERPLEXED as to how anyone could be entertained by such stupidity AND be duped into thinking that it's not all completely staged.

Of course, there are some that I can even admit are actually entertaining and creative concepts to base a show off of.
Though I've never kept up on it, American Idol is obviously, well..kind of a big deal. And it's not like I can just say "Pssh, American Idol is, like...sooo lame!" and then go and turn on a Carrie Underwood CD.
(Not that I would anyway. Sorry, she's super cute but...Jesus, take the wheel? Learn how to drive by yourself, crazy lady.)

In essence, I am generally quite uninterested in reality shows.


So by what complete freak accident led me to watch an episode of MasterChef last year, I have no idea.

But I LOVE it. Here's why:

The Judges

There are three judges/hosts and they absolutely make this show for me.

Gordon Ramsay- Award-winning chef and restauranteur, television personality, and foul-mouthed Brit. Love him! He dishes blatant disapproval and criticism when it's clearly called for, but doesn't skip a beat to give praise and encouragement when and where it's due.
He's the "Could go either way" Judge.

Graham Elliot- Mr. First to do this and that, youngest to do this, Best Chef of this....pretty remarkably accomplished for a guy in his early thirties. Big, fun guy with fabulous glasses.
He's the "More likely to give you a chance" Judge.

Joe Bastianich- Italian foodie and business man, he owns countless restaurants and vineyards all over the world. He is my FAVE! He does the most spectacular thing that I call "The Look". After tasting a contestant's dish, instead of saying any of his thoughts he will just stare at the person, with the most painfully bored, displeased expression, and then just WALKS AWAY. It never ceases to crack me up how blindsided and miffed the contestant looks after this happens to them.
He's the "More likely that you're a big waste of his time" Judge.

These guys all bring something different to the table, but they are still all so sassy in their own ways and I can't get enough of the team that they make.


The basis is Talent, not Drama

Will there be some drama? Yes. There will always be those super cocky contestants who you want to punch in the face just to get them to stop talking about how awesome they are and then those who cry ALL the flippin time and get their pretty little feelings hurt by every single thing. That's just television for ya. It's inevitable. And people eat that crap up, so it keeps the ratings high.

But the actual show and competition is solely based on the talent, work, speed, finesse and creativity of the contestants.

In addition, there is absolutely no drama between the judges, which is one of the biggest selling points for me. Although they will disagree on an individuals performance at times, they are completely unified in what they ultimately care about, which is MasterChef-quality food.
So as much fun as it was to watch Simon be all grumpy and mean, and then Paula get all teary-eyed and mad at Simon, all while she's doped up on meds, and then Randy's still over there just chillin'...it's kind of like a car accident that you can't look away from.
Needless to say, this show brings some refreshing unity to the table.



The Food

Holy. Smokes.
The cuisine that is made on this show is ABSURD! And I have to admit, every once in a while someone will whip out an ingredient that I've never even heard of! And I'm all "WHAT?!" and then have to pause the show and spend 20 minutes on google.

I love seeing the fresh ingredients being handled, sliced, mixed and chopped; all of the exquisite, uniform kitchen tools in use, and the artistic and magnificent plating of the dish.

I feel educated, inspired, and totally hungry. (In a good way. Not a hormonal, painful way.)

~~~

People, you need to get on the bandwagon.

It is a fabulous way to get a break and just vegg for 45 minutes, once a week.

Plus if you follow any shows throughout the year, you might be wanting some entertainment during the summer break.

Season 3 just started, and you can join me in keeping up with the weekly episodes on Hulu.

Housewife Moment: Swiffer Wet Jet

I posted something on facebook about how much I loved this dang thing, to which along with many enthusiastic agreements, I got served with some HILARIOUS sarcasm to the effect of how dull my life is.

Aw, now I feel insecure.

:(

"TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR EXCITING LIFE WHILE YOU SIT AT HOME ON FACEBOOK."

You tell 'em, Gene.

NEWS FLASH:

All of our lives are boring.

Go with it.

[Exceptions: Jack Bauer and Oprah.]

Anywho! Back to something that we pretty much all care about at some point, whether we admit it or not...

You know how when it comes to housework,we all have that ONE thing that we absolutely hate doing?

This is when half of you go "One?! Pssh! I hate it all!"

Yeah, well duh. Who doesn't? Try to stay with me.

For some people it's laundry, for some it's doing the dishes, for some people it's dusting. 

Everyone has got their thing that takes every last ounce of energy and motivation in their being to just suck it up and do.

Mine:

The Floors.

Vacuuming, Mopping, I hate it all. 

Yesterday for instance, I shlepped out our 50 pound vacuum, who I like to call 'Horton', from the closet to go over the rug in the living room. 

And because whenever I turn the thing on, Vienna acts like she's in the shower scene of Psycho, I have to figure out a way to keep her distracted in another part of the house for 2.5 seconds while I push Horton around.

So I get this done,with Vienna coming out of her room and screaming anyway, and then a whole ten minutes pass before she finds an old graham cracker, sits down on the rug and works on it like a little beaver until she's satisfied with the amount of crumbs she's spread out and the chunk of hair that I just pulled out of my head.

Why. I. Hate. Floors.

AND THEN theres mopping.

  You get out the bucket, the mop, the cleaner; push dirty water around your floor(working your tail off, but not actually really getting anything clean), and then proceed to pack up the kids and drive to Grandma's for the weekend so that the floors can dry.

I think I might hate it even more than vacuuming.

UNTIL one day my mom called for our daily chat about nothing in particular, and she mentioned that she got a new Swiffer Wet Jet and how amazing it is. She said that when she came out to visit she just had to buy me one because it will change my life forever.

And oh man, did it.

Why I love it:

1.) It's all you need to clean your floors.

Assembling everything to just mop the dang floors used to make me feel like I was getting ready to invade Poland. There's no bucket of water, no 50 different bottles of cleaner, no scrubber...just the swiffer, with one bottle of cleaner already attached, that you can plop on a clean pad when needed and keep in the closet. No hassle, no fuss. SO easy.

2.) It dries quickly.

Seriously though. This part is what made me fall in love. There's no water involved, just the cleaner sprayed directly where it needs, and then wiped up with the absorbent pad. It dries faster than you can scream "JOHNNY, GET OUT OF THE %$#@ING KITCHEN BEFORE YOU SLIP AND BREAK YOUR NECK!". 

No road trips necessary just to wait for it to dry. Truly amazing.

3.)Both the disposable pads and cleaners last a while.

Now, when I first got this thing, my floors were so flipping disgusting from the months I had avoided doing any mopping that I blackened up one of those suckers PER ROOM that I went over. But after the initial deep clean, keeping it up on a regular basis won't make you go through the pads as quickly. I can pretty much do my whole house with one pad now. And the spray nozzle lets out the perfect amount to actually get it clean, but not make you have to buy a bottle of cleaner once a week, or even month.

4.) It works on wood floors.

Yes, I speak the truth.

BOOM!

A specific cleaner for hardwood floors.

Need I say more?

~~~

Now, I read some reviews online about why some people didn't like theirs.

-Some people said that they didn't like how you had to sweep your floors before swiffering, otherwise there was still dirt and chunks of crap on it.

..Um, you didn't used to sweep your floors before mopping?

How did that work out for you?

SO YES, IF YOU DON'T SWEEP YOUR FLOORS BEFORE SWIFFERING, MOPPING, STEAM CLEANING, BREAK DANCING OR ANYTHING ELSE YOU DO ON THERE...THERE WILL STILL BE DIRT ON IT WHEN YOU'RE DONE.

Weirdos.

-Some people didn't like having to buy the disposable pads.

I get that.

For the disposable pads, the Up&Up brand at target actually has a bigger pack for a lot cheaper. I would do that instead of getting the swiffer brand if you can.

Also you can make your own reusable pads, if you're into that sort of thing. I see tutorials on how to make them on pinterest all the time.

I personally love being able to clean something up and then get rid of any foul evidence of it right away. It's why I'm obsessed with paper towels and don't do cloth diapers.

To each their own!

Now everyone has their own level of clean freak in them.

Some people can't stop twitching until their house has been scrubbed down in ammonia from top to bottom, while others are happy if their bathroom gets cleaned twice a year.

I personally just don't want my feet to get sticky from spilled apple juice, see puddles of mud, or my wood floors to look like the mojave desert. So if you go all Adrian Monk when you come home, this may not be the right product for you, it's just hard to say, depending on how detail-oriented you are.

It just so happens to work for me and my life, in all of its quick-drying, no hassle magic. 

And maybe it would work for yours too, especially if you are at the point of being willing to get a root canal over getting out that flippin' mop bucket one more flippin' time.

So I thought I'd share.

And if I ever get a replacement for Horton, I'll share that too.

[Note: As much as I wish the Swiffer Company would pay me to talk about their product, they didn't.]

The Chronicles of Vienna's Hair: Volume VIII

  

Miss Vienna's hair is OUT OF CONTROL.

It is so stinkin' long now, and I could swear it grew at least an inch, just last week.

I mean, what is this girl on?!

Is she taking Prenatal Vitamins and using Rogaine when I'm not looking?

At some point, I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Unfortunately, half of her hair just naturally falls straight down the front, making her look like a homeless Cousin It. 

Charming!

Oh, were you wondering what on earth she's up to in this picture?

 This.

Yesterday my kitchen looked like Chernobyl, and surveying the damage made me want to hide under my covers and cry for my mommy. 

But the cleaning fairies didn't come (AGAIN), and it had to be done.

And because Vienna is a little needy these days from teething, she needed a serious distraction that would give me however long I needed to burn the place down clean everything up.

[Motherhood (noun): The act of letting your kid(s) make a huge mess, while you clean up a different one. And then repeating this. All. Day. Long.]

Anyways, back to her hair! 

It drives me absolutely nuts when it's all up in her face like this.

She kind of looks like a surly teenager.

Like at any moment she's going to scream "WHATEVER MOM! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME!" and slam the door to her room.

And since I can't/won't have to even think about handling that situation for at least another decade...I'm going to avoid thinking about it at all costs.

So here's what we do:

An adorable little pony tail! 

Aww.

She'll usually let these stay in her hair a lot longer than bows.

But then half the time, I find her sitting in some dark corner of the house, ripping apart what is now a big heap of thread with her teeth.

So were running a little low on pony tail holders.

Thanks a lot, Cujo.

It's a good thing she's so dang cute.

Take A Whiff Of My Midwifery

Did you know that when you are a Midwife, you practice Midwifery?

Not "Mid-WIVE-ury".

 "Mid-WHIFF-ury".

.... Seriously.

How Fab-YOU-luss is that?!

Anyway, I love midwives! I think they're just swell.

Well I mean..I've heard that they're just swell.

I don't actually know for myself.

..at least I think I don't....

Huh.

See, it's just that the current state of affairs with my prenatal care this time around is a bit... awkward. 

And I will tell you why.

But here's a bit of a backstory to help you get a better picture of where I'm coming from:

I started out my last pregnancy thinking that having a midwife would be groovy.

 I had heard from a couple of friends that they had a great and very personally encouraging experience with their midwife, which sounded cool. Plus at the time, I thought that taking a whack at natural delivery would be fun, and midwives tend to lend specific support for that, or so I've heard. 

 But basically between switching multiple jobs, moving cross-country, waiting for new insurance to kick in, finding the right clinic/hospital, one doctor actually just up and quitting, and then an awful situation with an evil nurse practitioner, all happening during the first half of my pregnancy..I had TOTALLY inconsistent prenatal care.

 It was a different doctor/nurse every time I went, and I won't bore you with all the details of how the midwife program was set up with that hospital, but basically I didn't get one. 

Which, after all that, I couldn't care less about! I just wanted someone who didn't treat me like a total moron or refer to my daughter as 'the fetus'. 

I mean...is that really so much to ask for?

Ok, so fast forward to the seventh ring of hell delivery. 

After about 20 HOURS of BACK LABOR, being given the highest doses of pitocin available(the wicked contraction-boosting drug), my water breaking (which also boosts the strength of contractions), not having slept in two days and having thrown up any food that I had in me... I literally had nothing left to give. My body had no energy left, and nothing to turn into energy to deal with this mind-numbing wretchedness. I was not dilating quickly enough and I needed help if I was going to get this baby out.

But for some reason, amidst all of that, the decision to just get the epidural wasn't as clear and easy as it should have been for me. 

Instead I had about a dozen different people in my head, repeating all of their opinions/judgements/comments that I had heard over the past few months about my intended birth plan.

I had one guy (Seriously, A GUY) go "Ha! You're planning on going natural! Pfft! Good luck with that!", and multiple other friends spout patronizing discouragements like that to me. 

And you know what? It really ticked me off! And I wanted to prove them wrong! 

But then there was the other extreme of women I ran into, who were natural birthing NUT JOBS, and pretty much viewed getting an epidural on par with snorting cocaine. Well...if you reeeally loved your child, you would have gone natural.. .
Yeah. Too bad I hate my kid. :(

(Disclaimer: Not all natural birthers are nut jobs. I have some totally awesome friends who are compassionate, understanding and not self-righteous or rigid when it comes to their stance or personal experience. I just didn't know any of them back then.)

So I sat there, spread-eagled on that disgraceful birthing ball, gushing water from my hoo-ha, weeping into my hands. I could not even think straight at this point, from the indescribable pain I was in, yet all of these idiots two-cents was front and center in my brain, making me feel like a complete failure.

And I hate that. That's not how it should have been. I should have, HOURS EARLIER, come to terms with the fact that my case was much more severe than I had anticipated and kindly requested "Um, may I have a side of heavy sedation with those ice chips, please? Thanks so much."

 And it's not like those people 'ruined my labor' or something, I mean, people ARE GOING to be opinionated, no matter what. And half the time, they won't necessarily respect your goals or ambitions. That's just life sometimes.
But I just should have coped with it better and really not given a crap what my friends thought of the way/where/how I got this blessed baby into the world. Sometimes you have to learn how to just say 'Screw 'em!', even when it's to people you love.

So after my ever-so-smokin' hot husband lifted up my water-retained face, looked me in the eye and said "Hunny. Get the drugs.", I was flooded with relief and decided to cave.

And ever since that moment, my life motto has been "Giving up might be the best decision you'll ever make!" 

Not sure how rightly applicable that is for a lot of important life choices...but hey, it worked for me!

So they called the love of my life anesthesiologist in,who shoved a 6 inch needle up my spine, and filled my veins with magic happy juice. 

And ALL was well in the world.

That is, until the 3 hours of pushing started...but I don't need to go there.

The point is that I ended up with a happy, totally healthy baby who had a fabulous head of hair and instantly stole my heart and never gave it back.

Best outcome I could have ever hoped for, and one that I'd like to repeat. 

(the full head of hair not necessarily being required.)

So when I got pregnant with Blob, this became my firm, NON-NEGOTIABLE birth plan:

1.) Get it out of me.

2.) I don't care how.

Not very complicated. 

And before this pregnancy, we did buy a house about a half hour away from my previous location, so I started my prenatal care at a new clinic from the start.

Which is where they just up and gave me a midwife!

Out of nowhere!

Even though I didn't request one!

Which at the time I thought was a little odd, but I didn't really care, as long as it was a woman. 

(Yesss, I'm THAT person. But if I'm going to be put in a situation where I'm forced to chit-chat with someone about the graphic, gory details of my vagina, I'd like to be comfortable to do it with a little flair.)

So I get this midwife, who is nice, but man... you can SMELL the awkward on her. 

Just one of those gals who I'm sure is fun after a few glasses of wine, but isn't necessarily comfortable in her own skin, and tries to make really stupid, awkward small talk so that she doesn't feel any weirder than she probably already does. 

With those big bambi eyes that always look surprised and that strained, tense smile.

Yikes.

Obviously doesn't have kids.

But at first, I mean, whatever. It's not like I need Ellen Degeneres herself to take my blood pressure and ask me if I have any questions. So she's a little weird, oh well. Her job is pretty simple, how annoying could she get?

Well, come to find out, VERY annoying.

When I met her, I asked about the midwife program there, and if they had a specifically strong stance about natural birthing, because if they did, this might not be the right place for me. After the last time, I was not going to put up with anything even resembling pressure about one method or the other. I told a bit about my last ordeal and that my only plan is to go with the flow and enjoy the experience. And if that includes being gassed in the parking lot, so be it.

So then she goes "No, that's totally fine. But they do have water birth available at your hospital!"

Um.....cool? Maybe she just didn't hear me. Whatever, she'll figure it out at some point.

I come in for my 12 week appointment, and they tell me I've lost 4 pounds since I last came in. Not shocking at all. But she comes in and GIVES ME A LECTURE ON THE DANGERS OF ANOREXIA.

I mean, What? I've been puking non-stop for two months,in addition to still fully breastfeeding my other child! I mean, a girl can only get so fat under those circumstances! And as a reward for having survived those awful trenches of life, I get treated like a juvenile delinquent??

So ok, that bugged me. Still..whatever.

And then. EVERY TIME I saw her, she always treated me like an alien for having my kids so close together, like I'm Octomom or something. Constantly flooding me with questions like "Umm.. was this planned?", "Did you actually want it this way??"

"Well! You are just going to be so busy!". Yeah, thanks. That never gets old. And you're right, I'm sure that if Vienna was a 3-year-old instead of a 1-year-old when this happened, my days would be filled with nothing but reading People magazine and sipping mimosas. Good call.

And honestly, I expect that from everyone else. I mean, I get it ALL the time. People love to make it known that they think I'm a freak. Oh well. And anyway it's usually those really obese women at wal-mart who have beards, so I never take it too personally.

BUT YOU'D THINK that at an OB/GYN clinic, it's not entirely unheard of.

But even then, I just dealt with her weirdness. And Luke really liked the the fact that we were seeing the same person every time, as opposed to the three ring circus it was last time around. And I just didn't care quite enough to try and find a new doctor.

Ok, but then after my 16 week appointment... I just snapped.

Following her ritual observation of how insanely busy my life will be, and BRINGING UP WATER BIRTH AGAIN, she goes "Soo you should get a tour of the hospital soon! And start getting those old baby clothes out to wash."

WHAT?!

People. 

It was the straw that broke the camels back.

Baby clothes?! I don't even know what I'm having yet! And even then, I'll probably get around to that a few weeks before I push the kid out! Same with the hospital tour! I DO already have a kid, you know. I don't actually just sit around picking lint out of my naval all day! And WHAT in the lords good name is up with your water birth obsession?! I mean, I'm sure it totally rocks for those people who actually want it, but I have never mentioned any interest in that AT ALL! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A WEIRDO?

People, it was just time. Time to just call it what it was and part ways with this strange midwife.

I decided that it wasn't just quirkiness anymore, it had definitely leaned towards disrespect and insensitivity at times. Mind you, the washing baby clothes thing was just her being a freak of nature, not necessarily insensitive. But it definitely tipped me over the edge from slight irritation to sheer aggravation at her lack of down-to-earthness during this already uncomfortable season of my life. I mean, is it really so much to just want someone that doesn't make you want to drink after you see her?

So I requested to reception that my next appointment be made with someone else.

Turns out that the only female doctor wasn't available for another month or two, so I just let them give me another midwife. Who is british and laughs really loud. But whatever. 

I am always hearing other peoples love stories, where their midwife turned out to be their soulmate, and I think that's so great. Apparently I'm just not meant to have a midwife soulmate. 

And that's ok.

What qualities are the most important to you in your prenatal care? How bad does it have to be for you to switch doctor/midwife? Is it ok to be moderately picky during this time in life? 

What would Octomom do??